The Anatomy Of The Creepy Rebound Guy
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If you have been reading my blog for a while, you know that I have three siblings that I usually pump inspiration out of in order to write more personal relationship articles.
Weirdly enough, all of my siblings are going through (or trying to get over) a breakup. My younger bro finally broke things off with his former ball and chain, Shelly and my younger sister who has no good sense when it comes to her love life has gone to Australia for six months to finally start living on her own as a single gal.
However, I never really mentioned my older sister, Danielle and it’s mostly because I never really needed to before. She was always the one who had her shit together. She had the kind of relationship with her live-in boyfriend that everybody wants and envies and it was a devastating blow to her and the family when he decided to break up with her because he felt love was just not enough for their relationship to prevail.
Since it was originally his house, Danielle was forced to move back with our parents until she could get back on her feet. As expected, she has been taking this news pretty hard and I had made a habit of checking up on her. After a while, her mood drastically changed from miserable to ecstatic. I could literally hear her smiling on the phone and because of that, I decided that she didn’t need an emotional babysitter and that she was finally moving on.
Big mistake.
Before going on my road trip with Sabrina this weekend, I got a call from big sis. She told me she was in my area and needed to see me. When I opened the door, she was standing there crying and clutching her android phone so hard I could see the screen cracking.
I invited her in, tried to take her kung fu grip off her phone (and failed miserably) and poured her a drink.
She then spilled her guts to me about this new guy she had been seeing. She had told me she had met him in the park. He was wearing a hoodie and literally came out of nowhere. He started following her and she turned around and they stared at each other until he took out a pen and wrote his number on her palm.
To Danielle, it sounded like the most romantic meeting in the world, but to me, it just sounded like she came very close to being robbed.
She then went on and on about him and I could feel my blood boil because I knew what kind of guy this was. This wasn’t her knight in shining armor but rather it was her first encounter with the “creepy rebound guy.”
Having two sisters and a few close platonic lady friends, I know all about this guy and I will dissect him below:
Who Is The Creepy Rebound Guy?
The “creepy rebound guy” in short is a degenerate loser. He’s got one of those common one syllable names like John, Mark or Paul. He’s the kind of asshole who thinks he’s like Mickey Rourke from 9 and a half weeks when he’s more like Mickey Rourke from The Wrestler. He’s the type of guy who preys on younger, vulnerable women in order to get his rocks off. He’s most likely dressed like a wannabe thug and probably only uses a razor to maintain his chin strap beard.
What Does He Do?
He tries to date rape women and tries convincing them that he is seducing them and helping his victim lady friend embrace her sexuality instead. He’s got that whole elusive thing going on you girls love so much, however he most likely eye rapes the sh*t out of you and stares at your breasts while licking his lips while you’re daydreaming about changing your Facebook status to ‘in a relationship.’
When Will You Meet Him?
You will meet this prick after a horrible breakup. The kind of breakup that you have to be under constant supervision by friends and family. He might not be the first guy you see after a breakup. You might meet him after you decided to simultaneously regret and sleep with your best platonic guy friend. (oh yes, I was THAT poor bastard in my teenage years) However, when you feel like you can’t go on, this guy will pop up and make you think you can—for a while.
Where Will You Meet Him?
The typical places to meet this dirtbag is at a bar or a club, but since he’s a loser, you might run into him at the bus stop or after he smoked weed in the park on his own.
Why Does He Succeed In Getting Your Attention?
He succeeds simply because you are seeing your ex in every man who pays attention to you. If you didn’t see your ex’s face when looking at him, you would see how god damn unattractive this douche really is.
How Does He Lure You In?
He lures you in by giving his number out to you. Since you’re vulnerable, you will most likely make the first move and the more times you try to call him, the more likely he knows how ‘easy’ you can be. He won’t answer your calls but rather he will text you instead. He will disappear and apologize via text and write you sweet nothings to let you know he cares. He will then reappear and ask to meet up and most likely will get you try some disgusting sexual things you know deep down you don’t want to do.
It came as no surprise that details of my sister’s creepy rebound guy were identical to the traits I listed above. He wooed her. She called him endlessly. He texted her and apologized. They met in the park and did things no one over 18 should be doing in said park and then texted her that he wanted her to sleep with another man while thinking of him to prove her love for him afterward.
Hearing these details made me angry but looking at my sister’s tear and snot stained face made me hide it. Also considering she was always the one who gave me the best dating advice back in the day, I owed her empathy.
I then said this:
“D, do you remember when we were kids and you were jumping on mom and dad’s bed and Mom told you to stop because she was afraid you were going to break that expensive vase they just bought on their nightstand?”
She nodded her head and started laughing.
“Do you remember you listened to them and you got off the bed only to trip and knock down the vase anyway?” I asked.
“Yes!” she said. “I remember screaming to them that I didn’t do it and that I listened to them and got off the bed and I still got spanked for it!”
I then took my sister’s hand and looked straight at her.
“But you DID do it, D. You did break the vase. You didn’t mean to do it on purpose, but you broke it nonetheless.”
Danielle slowly started to realize why I had brought up that story and understood the subtext of it. She nodded her head, kissed me on the cheek and wished me a good trip and went home.
The purpose of me telling that story was to point out how although she did not set herself up for getting in this situation with creepy rebound guy, she was still responsible for it happening. She made herself look like the victim when in reality, the only person she had to blame was herself.
Ladies, when it comes to breakups, it is essential to be a survivor rather than a victim. Take a BREAK after a BREAK UP. It’s okay to feel bad. It’s okay to cry and miss your boyfriend, but it’s not okay to look for him in creepy rebound dudes. You’re better than that.